Seventy30zero

As I was trying to write this blog about the big races that I have successfully completed on this carnivore woe, I feel the irrelevance of my ramblings of my accomplishments. 

Just after my most recent 100 km UTMB race, I found out my mother had passed the next morning.

My accomplishments which I hoped to enjoy for the rest the day, relaxing and recovering, quickly disappeared to nothingness.

I went from wonderful exhilaration from a completely successful race with age category podium win, to deep, heart wrenching sorrow.

My legs and back were aching and tired from climbing 4,900 m of hills and mountains with the last climb completed in gale force winds and rain caused by a severe typhoon, but my heart was not done.

Even though I did not feel hungry after the news, I knew I had to try to eat some calories to make up for the post race calorie deficit. I also heard my mom’s voice in my head telling me to not be silly and eat something first so I did and then I put on my shorts and trail shoes and I left the house. 

I needed a relief from the tears and pain and my heart wanted to be up high. 

I went to my nearest hilltop haven to pay tribute to my mom. I’ve always found comfort and peace here and I can also look down on my small village and see my house.

I was tired but it was irrelevant because of her sudden, unexpected passing. Since I couldn’t be there for the last precious moments of her life I felt this was something I really needed to do.

I started the climb with a folded origami crane in my pouch and tried to find some wild flowers on the way up. There were none. I finally spotted  a little branch with tiny purple flowers, 4 of them. I thought, Perfect! It has 4! I am the youngest of three daughters. My father passed away just over 9 years ago so just the four of us remained. Mom and her 3 girls.

I started the stairs and felt the fatigue in my legs and back from the effort of the day before. As I took a deep breath preparing for another climb, my playlist strangely picked a song that was my favourite for climbing tough peaks. My resolve and steps got suddenly stronger.

Almost two-thirds of the way up, I was pleased with my simple flower and had another look at it and then realised all the flowers were gone and I was just left with a green stem. I was so upset but then admonished myself for being silly. Then suddenly I wasn’t a grown 57 year old woman anymore. That feeling of childish ‘it’s not fair!’ rang in my head and the tears started to flow again. Disappointed that I couldn’t reign in my emotions, I shook myself and took a deep breath and started climbing again.

I decided, well, that just wasn’t the right one.. So I started to look around again but there was nothing. Finally I found a bush with tiny little white flowers so I grabbed a bunch and hoped it would stay alive till I got to the top.

The last few meters was tough, not for my legs but because I started getting messages from my sisters about cremation arrangements and something about the care home she was at had to do it right away. There was a sudden emotional panic of realising I would not be able to say goodbye to my mom properly.  I had to keep stopping through the tears but finally arriving at the top with my phone running out of power, I got the news that the cremation can happen in a few days. The panic passed as I got to the top and I was able to place my paper crane and little flowers at the highest point.  I took my photo and sent it to my sisters and then shortly after my phone died.

I sat there at the peak of Lo Yan (Old Man) and tried to feel at peace. It was healing but I knew I still had a long road ahead through this grieving process. I let the mountain begin the healing and then I headed down and started to feel more collected as I got closer to the bottom. I think having no phone to interrupt my thoughts helped to clear my head.

Thankfully for the entire journey, I was all alone. I was glad I didn’t have to face other hikers with my normal bright cheerful ‘hello, good morning!’. It felt like it was meant to be that way for me today.

So this is my excuse for the slow update on my races.

This is something I will have to do properly after I process losing the most important woman in my life. My inspiration, my superhero, my greatest support system, my mom.

Life throws some hefty curve balls sometimes but I guess it is just a reminder for us to keep ourselves grounded, humble, and appreciative of everything we have. The healing has only just begun.